This is one of the more central themes of With reference to Caroline Slocock. On the Amazon site, you can look inside the book and see the table of contents, blurb, synopsis and the first chapter (“Starting Points and Interconnectedness”). And here are the significant last two paragraphs of the work.
In the past, some well-meaning folk have tried to help resolve the differences between me and the others. And the negotiating table might even yet come into the frame, but I think the issues are as good as terminal and incapable of being resolved. Maybe, also, I am confident with my opinion that stuff happens and that one’s life can tend to be less than perfect. New things can happen from within one’s own resource base; and — whilst every challenge one might face is not going to be straightforward — I think I can do better than merely muddling through.
And my siblings may instinctively want to consider me to be one of them (Yayu excluded, of course); and then facetiously argue that I am not entitled to show such monumental family disloyalty. But you cannot deify people and try to put them on any exalted pedestal and let them have the final say, and Yayu I would say has overstepped that mark. It has also been very lamely argued that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but that would not be a license to oversimplify or participate in wild rampages. But, at the core of things is the amount and effect of the rancour that there has been. I am sure that my mother wanted to protect my siblings from these sort of implications; but, on the other hand, I have been able to write about it all. And I think it must have been wrong for my mother to have been so disrespectful toward me.
I continue to think things through, but I am in no great state of flux. I guess inherently this is all a sore point with me; but, also, I wear it on my sleeve and do not shrink away from it. I do not wake up from nightmares about it, either.
What it all does for the others is kind of their problem, for I do not think I caused the succession of family disintegrations. I just think that various parties lost it at various times; and, in my analysis, Yayu’s claims to be Indonesian royalty has caused her to throw her heft around.
Still, the book is out and what now happens will unfold; or, even, it will not unfold.