This article is largely about how my mother managed the children and family relationships not so much for everyone’s future benefit but for her own needs. Of course, as parents, each of us will express our various personal vanities; but it has been my contention that things became out of kilter.
For example, in the funeral announcement, it is fairly clear that my mother had had a significant relationship with her “friend” Vi. But my siblings chose to ostentatiously present my mother as being some sort of grieving widow when my parents had been rather bitterly divorced. And, by the bye, their doing that so infuriated me and, moreover, that sort of landmark change to the course of history was not something that I was consulted on. The fuller discussion on how and why this might have been done by them is within my book. But subsequent to publishing it and in 2017 I had a brain scan done and some significant early-years damage was found.
Now my mother, Vi and various of my siblings had presented that I was some sort of moral dwarf compared to all of them; they had expressed rage and anger toward me. The indignation expressed even took on the character of my being regarded as untermensch or subhuman. And, indeed, I was often unfavourably compared to my father and his side of the family, with alleged faults and weaknesses either described or alluded to.
So we have it that — within my bigger discussion of things and all of their various presentations that I was not as human as the rest of them — we have this new focus because certainly I was distressed and had lost the power of speech and for several years in childhood I had a pronounced stammer and some other developmental difficulties
I have rather developed the idea that it was my mother’s self-consciousness about her sexual orientation that contributed much to the state of affairs that existed. I have also developed the idea that that was contributory to my siblings feeling some additional self-consciousness. And we, therefore, seem to have it that my needs were not attended to sympathetically; I would actually go further and say that scapegoating and exploitation was involved, also.
Back in 2016 when I published my book, the somewhat malicious misinterpretation of my childhood developmental difficulties was not so clear to me. And, ever since the funeral and the announcement thereof, I had always intended to return to that subject as best as I could.
A part of me has always wanted to correct some wrongs, it seems.